I should’ve known that I was jinxing myself by writing about how I was feeling settled. I should know by now that life is never fully settled when it comes to me. There are always the curveballs that I never think to look for.
I linger on a blurry line in this blog- the line that distinguishes between being personal and actually sharing personal details about my life. There are certain boundaries that I like to maintain. But I feel the need to address what’s going on at least a little bit because it’s definitely going to have an impact on what I blog.
A large reason why things have gone relatively smoothly with what I’ve been doing is that I’ve been single. I’ve been out, but I haven’t been in a relationship, and I think that’s made Christians much more accepting of what I’m doing with the LGBTQ community. They expect me to be bisexual, but they don’t expect me to do anything about it. Many of my friendships are stable right now because they think I’ll either stay single or I’ll eventually meet a guy that I like and date him.
But a lot of stuff has happened in my personal life in the past few weeks and now I’m on the brink of a new relationship with a girl. And I have absolutely no idea how people are going to react.
I’m nervous for the fall-out. I’m dreading the inevitable disruption of the tenuous peace I’ve managed to establish. I’m worried about the relationships I care about, and I’m wondering which ones are going to fall through the cracks.
I’ve finally learned how to be out as a bisexual. I’ve learned how to navigate this and be comfortable with it.
But now I have to learn how to be out as being in a same-sex relationship.
I can’t even remember a time when I felt this dependent on God throughout the day. Anyone who thinks this new relationship is pulling me away from God is completely backwards in their thinking. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this connected to my relationship with God and the amount of importance I give it in my daily life.
I need Him now more than ever. Because I trust in His unfailing love and I know that it will not fade. It’s the love that exists in all my other relationships that I have doubts about. I’ll be testing the strength and legitimacy of that love and waiting to see what fails. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen.
As intimidated as I am by this entire situation, I think it holds so much potential. I’m already making a statement in what I’ve been doing so far. But I think the statement bears a different kind of weight if I’m in a relationship.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I’m not backing down. God is my stronghold and I am secure in my relationship with Him.
“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Cor. 13:13)
Love conquers all. So I’ll take the battles as they come.