Heart Work

 

Game Changer

By Katie | Oct 10 2012 12:45AM

I should’ve known that I was jinxing myself by writing about how I was feeling settled. I should know by now that life is never fully settled when it comes to me. There are always the curveballs that I never think to look for.

I linger on a blurry line in this blog- the line that distinguishes between being personal and actually sharing personal details about my life. There are certain boundaries that I like to maintain. But I feel the need to address what’s going on at least a little bit because it’s definitely going to have an impact on what I blog.

A large reason why things have gone relatively smoothly with what I’ve been doing is that I’ve been single. I’ve been out, but I haven’t been in a relationship, and I think that’s made Christians much more accepting of what I’m doing with the LGBTQ community. They expect me to be bisexual, but they don’t expect me to do anything about it. Many of my friendships are stable right now because they think I’ll either stay single or I’ll eventually meet a guy that I like and date him.

But a lot of stuff has happened in my personal life in the past few weeks and now I’m on the brink of a new relationship with a girl. And I have absolutely no idea how people are going to react.

I’m nervous for the fall-out. I’m dreading the inevitable disruption of the tenuous peace I’ve managed to establish. I’m worried about the relationships I care about, and I’m wondering which ones are going to fall through the cracks.

I’ve finally learned how to be out as a bisexual. I’ve learned how to navigate this and be comfortable with it.

But now I have to learn how to be out as being in a same-sex relationship.

I can’t even remember a time when I felt this dependent on God throughout the day. Anyone who thinks this new relationship is pulling me away from God is completely backwards in their thinking. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this connected to my relationship with God and the amount of importance I give it in my daily life.

I need Him now more than ever. Because I trust in His unfailing love and I know that it will not fade. It’s the love that exists in all my other relationships that I have doubts about. I’ll be testing the strength and legitimacy of that love and waiting to see what fails. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen.

As intimidated as I am by this entire situation, I think it holds so much potential. I’m already making a statement in what I’ve been doing so far. But I think the statement bears a different kind of weight if I’m in a relationship.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I’m not backing down. God is my stronghold and I am secure in my relationship with Him.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Cor. 13:13)

Love conquers all. So I’ll take the battles as they come.

 
 
Heart Work
Katie

Hi, I’m Katie.

I grew up in the southwestern United States and am currently in my junior year at a university in the same part of the country.

My sexuality isn’t even something that crossed my mind until I got to college. I attended small schools for my entire childhood, and my high school was predominately a conservative Catholic culture. However, I still enjoyed high school. My graduating class was the anomaly grade, where only fifty percent of the kids were Catholic and we had a more equal distribution of political views. They gave me that initial confidence in myself, but my school as a whole gave me a hetero-normative mindset that carried with me to college.

I was raised Catholic during my childhood, and my family transitioned over to a non-denominational Christian church when I was in my early teens. That was really when I started to deal with my faith and my beliefs for the first time. I began identifying as a Christian during my sophomore year of high school.

So in freshman year of college, when I began to realize that I am also attracted to women, I had absolutely no idea how to handle it. I knew it was something that I hadn’t chosen, and I knew it was something that wouldn’t just disappear, but I had no idea what it meant for my life. I was a dedicated Christian who was now hyperaware of her bisexuality.

I spent most of my freshman year of college pretending that my bisexuality didn’t exist and clinging to my faith-based environment on campus. It wore me down mentally and I found that ignoring my sexuality was doing far more harm to my faith than good. Sophomore year began and I confronted my sexuality head on. I admitted to a few close friends that I am bisexual and began to get involved in LGBTQ events on campus. As a result, the exact opposite of my freshman year happened. I embraced my sexuality and pushed my faith into a corner. I constantly felt disconnected, even though I felt more comfortable with myself than ever.

Now I’m here at my junior year, and I’m starting to feel more at peace. This school year will be my learning experience about how to begin embracing both in my life. I will be heavily involved in an on-campus ministry, while also interning with the LGBTQ organization on campus. I’ll be acting as a sort of bridge between the two communities, trying to break down prejudices and also provide support for LGBTQ Christians.

This blog will be like a journal, a place to share things that I’ve learned and new things that I’m learning every day. If you’re looking for someone to breakdown the Bible and confront biblical principles, you’re in the wrong place. I’ll be addressing some of those things, but only through the context of my own struggles.

Christian faith and acceptance of sexuality are constantly set against each other in our culture, demanding that you choose one over the other.

I’ll be blogging about what my life is like now that I’ve chosen both.

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HRC works to ensure LGBT people of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest and safe at home, at work and in the community.